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Really, nothing else has happened. At least, nothing else as momentous. I'm still in school, but I'm starting to lose interest. I sort of want to go back to work, but I don't really have any good prospects at the moment. So my life is boring otherwise. I'm sure it'll pick up. I feel like I have bigger worries right now.
There has been a share of drama, and I'll share that next time. Right now, though, life is mainly positive. Good to talk to you guys again.
- Current Music:"Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato
Since the last time I posted for real, I sort of decided to enjoy being single. My "number" jumped from 1 my entire life to about 8. I made out with more, fooled around with a couple more...and you know what? That's a total "sorry I'm not sorry" issue. I learned during that time that I don't believe in sluts or slut-shaming. It honestly came down to me asking myself what reason I had to not sleep with someone I was attracted to. Who was I holding out for exactly? Surely not myself. And fuck, I'm 27, I live in a beautiful city that is considered one of the most attractive cities in the nation. I was gonna do what I wanted. And I had fun doing it.
I learned alot from the guys I spent time with, too. From Justin, I learned what I didn't want, that I deserved to be treated like more than a fun little distraction for when you got bored. From Shane, I learned to be less trusting and more careful. From Dan, the guy after Shane, I actually got a taste of how I truly wanted to be treated. If the boy hadn't have moved out of state directly after, I may have tried to see him again. He's going to make a girl extremely happy someday.
From Simon, I learned that it's not just bitches that be cray. The dude slept with me once, and after a week had it in his head that we were going to go have babies together on some fucking hippie commune. He got me fired from the band we worked in together over it. Madness.
From Jake I learned two things: 1) Don't fuck your roommates, no matter how insanely drunk you are, and 2) Good-looking, douche-y guys are 100% not my type, even a little bit. The text messages I got after that tryst were disgusting and were almost enough to put me off men for good. Ugh.
From Damon, I got a better idea of what I wanted out of a relationship. Damon was very close to what I wanted, but he wasn't completely what I was looking for. He was funny, sweet, and fun to be around, but there was still something lacking. Couldn't put my finger on it, but he's a really nice guy and I totally wish him well.
Then I met Mark.
Mark approached me in a bar downtown while I was waiting for friends to show. He asked if I was by myself and invited me to come sit with him and his friends. I usually make short work of guys who approach me in bars, but for some reason I didn't with this one.
Oh my God, I'm so glad I didn't. Mark is incredible.
Our first date was 36 hours long. It started 7:30 Tuesday night, and didn't end until Thursday morning. Tuesday, as we were falling asleep, he said to me "I kind of don't want you to leave tomorrow."
I smiled. It was dark, so he didn't see, but I'm sure he could hear it in my voice. "I kind of don't want to leave tomorrow."
Without hesitation, he answered. "Then don't."
And I didn't. In a way, I still haven't.
I knew I was in love with Mark by the end of our first date, and that scared me a little bit, so I made a point of trying to downplay how I felt. He did the same, but he was way worse at it. The whacked out thing is, I think we both could read that the other was feeling the same thing, but neither of us wanted to come out as the whack-job to say the “L” word after one ridiculously long first date.
Mark did eventually become that whack-job. We were on a bus with a group of his friends, headed downtown. We were all drunk, all dressed differently, looking like this motley crew, counterculture-mixed-with-urban-yuppie group of punks, and Mark suddenly rests his lips against my head.
“There’s something I want to say,” he said, “but I know I shouldn’t say it now. It’s too early.”
I dunno how to explain it, but I felt exactly what he felt at that moment. It sounds odd, but I felt how strongly he was feeling, and I needed to hear him say it out loud.
“Say it.” I whispered.
Silence. Then: “I love you.”
I told him I loved him back without a moment’s hesitation.
After that happened I was terrified. What if we sobered up and changed our minds? We weren’t blitzed to begin with, but you never know. Plus, I’d just finished telling everyone I knew just about a month before that I was happy with where I was as a single person. What if I started feeling pressured or smothered? What if it turned out Mark was actually a mess, like all the guys I’d been lucky enough to stumble across?
But then…I’ve never felt this way about anyone, let alone as quickly. When I was with Robert, I didn’t even daydream about my wedding and my children. I do with Mark. And it’s only getting stronger for both of us.
The other night, Mark was falling asleep, and his last words before he passed out were to ask me to marry him. It wasn’t an official proposal, but he remembered it the following morning and told me he meant what he said.
We’ve admitted we see a future together, and that we’re certain about this in a way that we haven’t been with anyone else. We’re constantly fighting, though, to move at a pace that everyone else sees as a “smart” one. Admittedly, I think we’re both also terrified that something is going to come up that will ruin this; neither one of us have exactly been lucky with things like this. He was married, too, for about a year more than I was. He’s actually been in a serious relationship since then, one that ended badly. Neither of us is looking to make mistakes again.
And yet…no matter how hard I try to cull it, we’re taking steps forward despite ourselves. I’m practically living with the guy right now; we’ve only not slept next to each other two nights out of the month we’ve been together. And I’m not tired of him, not even beginning to be tired of him. He’s coming back to Florida with me for Christmas to meet my parents, and then I should be meeting his in the Spring. There’s even a very strong possibility that we’ll be engaged by next summer. And to be honest, none of this feels rushed or unnatural. It actually feels unnatural that we’re holding off on practically everything for everyone.
I dunno. All this to say I’m finally happy, for the first time in my life. It wasn’t until now that I’ve realized that I’ve never been truly happy as I am now. I’m trying to enjoy it instead of looking at it suspiciously and fearing that it will all fall apart on me. Sooo….wish me luck yeah?
I’ma go now. I’m actually in class not paying attention. Should probably get back to that.
I'm writing it for an audience so I would love more people to read. Just promise me you won't tell anyone who wrote it, because I don't want it getting back to the guys I'm mentioning...not that I'm saying anything they don't already know or that I wouldn't say to their faces, but it's not worth the trouble.
But yeah. Read. Share. Follow. Please.
Also, I just started a new project. It's sort of silly, but I couldn't resist. I don't think any of you are staunchly religious, and even if you are, the blog is fairly harmless, but I'm just warning you not to take offense. You can find this blog here:
Let me know what you think, leave a comment, tell your friends, and most of all enjoy.
I haven't played this game in awhile, so I thought I would. Everyone's busy these days, but if you get a chance to look, take a guess and see how you do! I'm x-posting on FB for anyone who knows me on there, too.
1. Put your playlist on shuffle.
2. Post the first lines to the first 10 songs to come up (along with these instructions).
3. Have people guess the songs and artists in comments to the post.
4. Post the answers to the ones people guessed correctly. A couple of days later, post the first two lines of the ones no one got and get people to guess again.
5. Repeat, adding the next line to the unguessed songs each time, until they're all guessed/you've posted the whole song/you've gotten bored/no-one's going to get the damn thing if you don't tell them.
( Songs...Collapse )
- Current Mood: silly
Guys, I'm so excited. I'm trying out for Glee and I just posted up my video. The whole thing works with a system of votes or "gold stars," so I need you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go there and vote for me. I want to be on this show like you wouldn't believe.
P.S. it's a little quiet, so if you actually want to sit and listen to it, you're probably gonna need to turn your speakers way up.
P.P.S....if you decide to listen to it, please let me know what you think. Thanks.
i will probably be bothering you about this again
- Current Mood: excited
I had a dream last night that I know meant something, and I woke up from it feeling invincible and reassured.
In the dream, I was driving up this road late at night. At one point, I had to go up a hill that might as well have been in a 90 degree angle. It was such a steep hill, that as I looked straight ahead through my windshield, I could see the stars in the sky, and they were beautiful. They shone brightly like jewels, and even in the dream I was awed and humbled by the sight of them.
My car was having a hard time making it up the hill. I was having to really push hard on the gas to advance up the hill, and it still seemed as if I was moving rather slowly. My car even shuddered a couple times, like it was going to give up and slide backwards, and I felt my stomach jump, but I would just ignore the sinking feeling and keep looking through my windshield at the stars. If I remember correctly, I even smiled at the sight of them and just pushed even harder on the gas.
Finally, after what felt like ages, I came to the top of the hill, and it turned into a straight, even road with no bumps or obstacles. And the sky...the sky was the best part...
It was shining almost too brightly with more stars than I knew what to do with. I stared up at them with a slack-jawed look of pure joy on my face as they almost lit the inside of my car up completely.
And I kept driving, happier than I ever could remember being.
- Current Mood: grateful
If you've seen this a million times already, I apologize, but I want to make sure everyone knows....
I'm cancelling my personal MySpace and leaving my music MySpace up, so if you want to still be friends there, friend me on that: www.myspace.com/riannalaez.
It'll be more interesting there anyway. Soon there'll be show dates, blogs, and more tracks. Right now, there's a track from the upcoming EP for you guys. The EP, by the way, will be named Controlled Chaos.